Or better said, sometimes young Summer surprises me. Tonight I delved back into my new-mom blog posts after I had TJ. I love, love reading them. It's one of my favorite things - perusing my old blog posts. I really should post more. After I had a crazy experience giving birth to Eli, things got very real on this blog. I felt like I needed people to see what was happening to me. I started documenting things in a very bald light, because I wanted to remember the bad things and the good. And that had it's place, and served a purpose.
But what I noticed about my pre-post-partum depression posts (whooo that is a lot of dashes!) is a much more optimistic outlook. I remember that my attitude back then was that I wanted to write like an optimist, because it would make me feel like an optimist. I still think this is true. When you wright about the bad stuff, you wallow in it a little bit. At least, I do. I'm not saying you should be false and pretend things are hunky-dory all the time, but when I decide to have a good attitude about things, I'm happier. I feel better. Writing about things, even hard things, in a good light helps me feel good about them. There are bad things that do need to be talked about, but I think motherhood is one of those realms where we get lots of sarcasm and negativity. Honestly, I don't need more of that in my life.
This post in particular caught my eye. To me, it's one of the best posts I've ever written (for myself). Here's why -
At the time, I was so sick that I applied for disability at school and dropped half of my courses. I was almost unable to leave the house, I couldn't eat, and I was taking some serious (doctor prescribed!) drugs to try and combat these issues and get me back to health. I stopped going in to work. It was really, really bad. And I could have listed, in detail, all the awful things I was enduring. That's actually my first instinct now, is to write about the bad, horrible things I am experiencing. Because if I am miserable, I feel like everyone should know that I am miserable. But what good does that do? I love that I wrote such a light-hearted post about a tender mercy. I didn't say everything was good, I said things were hard, but the focus was good and happy and I'm just so darn proud of my little young self. I want to be a little more like that. Less cynical and more motivated to see the good in the world.
Another post that stopped me in my tracks tonight is my post about mistakes. I had completely forgotten about that experience, but it's amazing how it shaped my parenting. I remember that I tried really hard to change. I'm still woefully inadequate, but those spilled eggs really marked a change in how I approached my kids mistakes (most of the time).
I also dedicated entire posts to my dog, so I guess young Summer isn't exactly a fount of wisdom.
No comments:
Post a Comment