I snapped this picture of Eli's little feet the other day. I almost put it on instagram, but then I looked and looked at it and I couldn't do it. This picture makes me feel some big things. It's taken a few days to identify them. There is alot mixed in there. Love is a big one, love so big and sacred that it's hard to explain unless you've had a baby. I actually kindof love Eli's funny little toes, but the one of the other big emotions I feel when I look at them is guilt.
Eli was perfectly healthy, and didn't have to stay in the NICU. I am so happy for that. But. I just feel like it's my fault that he has fused toes and a finger growth. I know, logically, there was probably nothing I could have done to prevent it and I shouldn't feel guilty about any of these things. Those feelings hang around anyway. That's life as a mom. Just like worrying- everyone tells you there's no point in it, but you do it anyway.
I feel bad because Eli is going to have to have surgery to fix the toes. It's minor, and it's cosmetic, so I guess we could not do it. But the finger growth is a little weird. Now that it's been a few weeks, I've realized it has a fingernail on it! It's like his pinky tried to grow an extra joint, then changed it's mind. But the 'stalk' that connects the growth to his pinky his tiny so getting rid of it will be an even smaller deal than the toes. The only reason we didn't have the doctor tie it off is because it has nerves in it (we checked) so it will hurt. So I figured we would just wait until he got the toes snipped too, so we can get a better cosmetic result and give him pain meds.
I love love love my little Eli. I love everything about him, even his funny toes and fingers. I'm so glad I get to be his mama.
Eli is SO happy on the changing table. Yes, I stopped mid-diaper change to snap these!
2 comments:
all i can say is live and learn. i know that when/if baby #2 comes along i will NOT have any growth ultrasounds. they are pointless and not accurate. of course i enjoyed seeing my baby every month, but for there purpose they weren't accurate. i got a growth ultrasound every month after 20 weeks in fear of a "big baby", as recommended by my doctor. i had my last growth ultrasound at 36 weeks, and the ultrasound tech (who i never really liked) estimated that baby was 9 pounds...so with a 9 pound baby at 36 weeks, and still 3 weeks to "cook" and since those last weeks all they do is gain weight, I was advised to do a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks, since baby was predicted to be more than 10 pounds at that point. so...that is what I did. and Helena came out at only 7 pounds 15 ounces...I could have easily gone to 40 weeks and could have possibly gone into labor on my own. plus she was a girl...girl babies are usually smaller than boy babies. granted we didn't know the sex, but the ultrasound tech and the doctor did. so in my opinion that should have also played a factor.
anyways, i am obviously not a ultrasound tech so who knows what they see...and i like to think that for the most part they can check on the health of the baby, check on the heart and all the other organs....so i would think if they can check that they can better estimate a babys weight or a babys toes and fingers (in your case). also in your case, it wouldn't have mattered, but it would have been good to know so you could better mentally prepare especially now that you do know and know that surgery in the future. for me the outcome could have been completely different.
I thought of you actually - I had a 33 week ultrasound and he measured so big that they wanted to do something similar to what happened with you and Helena. After they adjusted the due date he wasn't measuring so big for his dates so thankfully we avoided that route. What's interesting is I've read studies that say that, after the first baby, a mom's gut instinct is more accurate at guessing baby weights than ultrasounds. I believe that, because Eli felt big until about four weeks before I had him, then I could tell his growth slowed. Like, I knew he would be smaller than TJ.
After your experience and this one, I've figured out to take ultrasounds with a grain of salt. Like you said, this isn't really a big deal for us to have known about, but I'm just surprised something so simple to see got missed.
Post a Comment